i don’t know if it’s the dawn of a new year, but there are ~8 things i want to write about so here i am.
i mentioned, when i told the saga of my dumb wrist, that one of the key events of the whole thing was how my bloodwork came back with very not good, underactive thyroid levels. in the past few months, i have heard things like “i have no idea how you’re walking around” and “your thyroid is trying to kill you.” cool.
what most people didn’t realize was that – i wasn’t surprised. i actually have suspected for years that my thyroid is a hot mess. though i’ve gotten things tested a few times, i was always told the results were normal. also, i have felt like a garbage fire* for about half the time for the past five years or so.
i blamed myself, somehow. i told myself i was weak, and that i was just somehow a sub-par human. i told myself everyone else was better than me, at basic living. i pushed through exhaustion more times than i can remember, to the point of occasional collapse and frequent tears. i tried to come to terms with my own inadequacy, my inability to do as much as anyone else, my need for rest, my tendency to gain weight despite no changes in eating habits or activity and my subsequent failure to shed that weight despite torturous diets, my headaches and occasional full body pain that left me bedridden and moaning. with how i couldn’t, basically, create the “wild and precious life” that we’re all supposed to be chasing after. (i hate that fucking quote.)
i feel really, really bad for the ways i hated myself, now. you’d think i am relieved, to have a diagnosis and a fairly easy regimen of meds to get on, and i am. but more than that, i mourn for that poor girl who felt like shit all the time and then felt like more shit for feeling like shit.
all this time, i think, there was a reason. there was a real reason.
there are many things i excel at. with almost all of them, i pull through the best when my choice is “do the thing” or “run into that five alarm blaze.” i am great at doing the things that MUST BE DONE when things are dire, when the rest of the world is crumbling. i am not great at being proactive, at doing anything, when it doesn’t feel all that necessary. taking care of myself has never felt all that necessary.
and then it became very necessary. because i couldn’t get my wrist surgery until i got my thyroid under control.
i’m on a synthetic hormone now that replaces what my body isn’t making. it hasn’t been perfect. i felt much better for a while, but it turned out my dosage was a little high and i swung to the other direction, having an overactive instead of underactive thyroid. i felt as shitty as i always used to for most of december. i lost what i’m estimating is about 1/5 of the hair on my head. my weight has fluctuated, along with my hunger. i have been unable to sleep at night and therefore exhausted all day, and i have been anxious and on edge. but through all of it, at least i know i am trying.
and at least i know there’s a reason.
i wrote this last week and things have improved since then, though i know it’s going to be a balancing act for the rest of my life. still, all things told, i’m very, very grateful.